Why afraid of intimacy

She neglected me and my needs and anytime I brought up the issue, she brushed it off and blamed it on her having a tough time adjusting from being alone to being with someone day in and out. I trusted her. But for a year, we had problems that only got worse and worse. She hid things that she never hid before. Lied to me about important things in her life.

And just kept me in the dark for months on in. Eventually, I got tired and so did she. We had a blow out and her anger was the only thing allowing her to express her true inner most feelings towards the situation. She told me that when I moved there, I got too close and her body reacted.

But she later said that online, it is easy being there for someone emotionally. What should I do? I want to stay friends and be there for her but she is basically asking me to be casual friends with her like have fun but without an emotional attachment. And I feel it may be just too hard to change from that and I feel that she may be being kind of selfish asking me to cater to her fear and enable her.

I love her so much. She is like family to me and I want to see her succeed. I know this is way late for you to see this reply but I have an easier time handling casual or friends with benefits type of relationship. As soon as the other person wants a serious relationship and says love, I start getting distant and short mean with them. If I could only find someone that wants that weekend relationship and keep it casual, I would be good with that and keep the intimacy out of it and the other person constantly wanting to see me.

Maybe why I hook up with losers in a relationship so it is easier on me to get distant from them. When I found this article, I felt that I could relate, and suddenly everything became a little clearer.

But discovering the reason for why I push people away, didn. Very interesting read, but I do disagree with forcing yourself to be intimately close to someone when you are simply not ready to share yourself with another. How can a person appreciate my other qualities when he is only focused on my looks alone?! I believe that some people were made to be in a relationship and others to be single. How do you know? It is very sad to read about people who loss themselves in relationships and couples that are together merely because of routine.

Both are very unhealthy for the individual as unhealthy as that person thinking they have a problem because they are unable to hold a relationship that has the potential to form a family. Everything in life is a learning process. It is healthy to be single and feel content about it. It comes with time patient and professional help.

If deep down you feel content then let it be, you are not hurting anyone except for those waiting for you to have a partner more than you do for yourself. I had a great childhood my single mom taking care of her children. I had a strong family presence in my life. My mom finally dated someone after 9 years being single after my dad. The man had many faults. I still had a good childhood. Then I turned 13 my life went wrong.

My mom started doing drugs. My strong family blanket gone! I thought this is love right? It wasnt. I even stood up for the hurt only to be judge for doing that.

There I saw my mom with her boyfriend and there constant physical mental abuse. I ran from it by using games. They stolen from me lied to me and mentally confused me to the point of no return. I have never loved another person other than my twin. As I get older and older I pull away faster from people.

My mom now finally clean for 6 months. She told me to play the field. When will I be able to let go. I understand.. I have no basis to dispute that it is real; simply overused.

Finally, it feels like professionals who author blogs use FOI as a panacea to explain all relationship problems. Reality is that we must constantly challenge ourselves and ask if we are being honest about our feelings.

Only after holding ourselves accountable can we question the myriad issues that arise in our relationships, of which FOI may or may not be a culprit. In a comment section full of people relating to the article and sharing their emotional experiences, your comment stands out as one lacking any emotional character whatsoever. Your approach to this topic reflects that you may have gone through some form of rigorous academic training.

The deeper you go into your own mind, the more you will realise this. In my opinion the article is correct in referring to it as a root cause of so many problems. I hope you will go further into your emotional structure, and get more in touch with who you are at your core. I wish you best of luck my friend, may all be well with you. Well said Dominic. I often ponder this alternate viewpoint against the grain of modern pop psychology. Some people do better uncoupled.

This is a good article and seems very much to describe me. I can only imagine being the guy in that situation. The myriad of mixed emotions coming out as mixed messages as fear, interest, anger at myself, speculation, nausea and despair war inside of me. Most of the time I know myself to be pretty, intelligent, good, and industrious.

But in those moments when I am attracted to someone I realize how ugly, fat, lazy, immoral and stupid I really am and wallow in my inferiority. I am egocentric in my failures and foibles.

I cannot overpower the visceral emotion of unworthiness with the logical knowledge of my good worth at the risk of sounding egotistical I am a good catch- average to pretty looks, well educated with a good job and generally sweet and loyal disposition.

So how do I get over this? No one will ever get close to me. Do I want them to? Should I want them to get close? This is exceptionally well written. It has provided great clarity for me. I have yet to read a more accurate comment that mirrors the trials and tribulations in my own life. My problem is I am fully aware of what my problem is and I also know that there are steps in order to combat these pessimistic feelings however where my roadblock lies is not knowing how far I will need to go or how long it will take to get over these insecure mind games I set myself up for.

Or will I be blissfully-miserably single forever…. Look up Pia Mellody on YouTube. Or see my videos on anxiety there search for my name , where I summarize the results of many months spent looking for the best explanations and remedies that people have come up with for anxiety, which fear of intimacy is a variant of. Hopefully this will explain why you get scared, and based on that, what you can do to grow stronger emotionally.

Once we lift the instinctive blocks to loving ourself, that for many of us were required in order to survive danger during our childhood, and once we love ourself again, then we no longer perceive so much danger in getting rejected, and fear becomes manageable.

I litterelly think i just grew up a little. Here I am a tough Veteran who got back from deployment to meet a girl and start getting really close, i knew i had avoidant issues in the past but since i self medicated with prostitution that shouldnt be a problem anymore?

I know you like me? Im sitting there like wtf dude? Theres no wall to climb, shes right there AND your upsetting her by not being intimate!! Im still trying to figure out what just happened. So the next day i send her a text about not wanting to see her anymore. Why did i hurt her? My mother left when i was 4. And she passed 2weeks before deployment. Im 27 now. And between all that time i was never nurtured by a female. Im going to look into this alot more becuase i think im just scared to get hurt again.

My girlfriend of four years has a fear of intimacy. She only feels comfortsble holding haneds. For example she says she is not ready to go on a day out to Blackpool, she is not ready for touching or sex. But how can we seek help if one partner is in denial? Any idvice? I know you love each other, but it is important to explore within yourself what the secondary gain may be to have stayed all this time. Consider seeing a Gestalt therapist.

It has helped me. Dear David! I hope your issue is resolved till that time. I read your story and was really touched, but please do not listen to advices to separate from your beloved one as if these relations are not worth of trying to develop them! I hope you will have strength to go on. You are very faithful and committed to your girlfriend, and this is a rare case nowadays. I myself, already married, have imtimate problems, because I do not find sex an enyoing thing, and this is such a burden for me and my husband, but although he is upset he never even thinks about separation.

Looking for solutions of my own problems I read a lot of literature on relations. I do not have any concrete idea for you now, but from what I read I can see that the psychologists are so advanced now that for sure someone will help you.

Maybe you should find a book about fear of intimacy and ask your girlfriend to read it when and where it is comfortable for her, so that you do not annoy her by trying totalk about this in person. Give her time and maybe when she opens it once she will recognise herself on the pages… At least when I did not know what is going on with me I found it helpful to read just anything about problems in relations and I was able to see myself sometimes as in a mirror, and developed a vocabulary of how to talk about this with my husband.

Also, get to know about her religious background. Maybe she is afraid that you will not reserve your sexual life till marriage, and that you will go too far. Will be very happy for you if you suddenly answer me: thanks, but it is not any more a problem, my girlfriend opened up to me. Wow, this explains a lot. I want to love and be loved in return, but sometimes, I feel weird.

This article is trying to show people the rewards of opening up and experiencing something greater. If some people were meant to be alone, then why did they go looking for a relationship? I often wonder what would help my boyfriend become more open to sharing himself with me. I would just hope that this post helps someone who feels they cannot be open and helps them change things around and let love in.

I also hope this post reaches people who are dating a person with intimacy issues. I love this article and want to use it on my humanities paper. Who wrote this article and when? Any additional information would be very helpful!

Hi, I am 27 years male. Can what am having be considered as fear of intimacy. Mental health professionals can help you understand where those fears originate and how to cope with them. This may be too painful. Support them in seeking therapy. Ask what you can do to help them feel safe.

Be patient, because learning to cope takes time. Fear of intimacy is a mental health disorder that can lead you to sabotage relationships and isolate yourself. It takes time and patience, but with professional guidance , you can learn to overcome your fears and form meaningful bonds with others. Fear of sex, or genophobia, is a phobia with many potential causes ranging from physical conditions vaginismus or erectile dysfunction to traumatic…. Inhibited sexual desire ISD is a medical condition with only one symptom: low sexual desire.

A person with ISD seldom, if ever, engages in sexual…. Learn more about sexual anorexia, which happens when you feel little to no desire for sexual contact. Sometimes sex can be stressful, but these steps may help you get your groove back. Knowing your current STI status, including your gonorrhea status, is imperative. At-home gonorrhea tests make this easier. Here's how to get started. Read on for an explanation on what qualifies as a kink vs.

Oriowo, "and I always tell them that's not true. You definitely have at least one friend or sibling or other relative with whom you've fostered a successful relationship characterized by intimacy, vulnerability, and loving kindness. She suggests starting there, evaluating what exactly has made it successful by engaging that friend or partner in a conversation, and using that intel as a springboard for all the other relationships in your life, including romantic ones—which, says Dr.

Oriowo, you can just think of as friendships that take intimacy to its greatest heights. Oh hi! Enter Email Address. Your official excuse to add "OOD" ahem, out of doors to your cal. Become an Insider. Facebook Pinterest Twitter Youtube Instagram. A fear of intimacy, which describes a phobia of sharing a close emotional or physical relationship, can manifest in many ways.

In many cases, that fear can get in the way of not just romantic or sexual closeness but also platonic friendship, whether by way of interfering with your ability to bring new people into your life, engage more deeply in your existing relationships, or both. Related Stories. Experts Referenced. Donna Oriowo, PhD. Sex Therapist. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Connection is a human need. It protects our mental health.

And connection has now been shown by research studies to even protect our physical health and longevity. A review of current research on social connection and health by researchers at Brigham Young university in America found that low social connection has as much of an affect on our mortality rate as not exercising, and is twice as harmful as being overweight. The review also suggested loneliness affects morbidity as much as a smoking or alcohol problem.

Book phone and Skype therapy from wherever you are in the world, and talk to someone who really gets it. Take a look at these surprising signs.

Always busy, your life full to the maximum? If you do have down time, do you immediately think of what you can do to fill it? Or are you known as a workaholic? Behind a fear of intimacy is a fear of facing up to yourself and what you perceive erroneously as your weaknesses. Being constantly busy all the time means you can avoid such feelings. And you have the perfect excuse to to avoid anyone wanting to get too close… you are busy!

Sure, we can bump chests and high five over group wins, but we form long lasting bonds when we see each other vulnerable , and have a chance to share empathy. So always being forcefully upbeat is often a tactic to hide parts of ourselves and avoid deep connection.

By: The Library of Congress. Are you always listening to others talk about their wants and needs? If they try to ask about you, do you change the conversation back so that they are the subject again? But deep down, you are left feeling terribly lonely. The more perfect you appear externally, the less others can see that you are human and weak just like they are, and the less they will dare get close. Your perfectionism acts as a way to intimidate others.

Intimacy phobes are after one thing, and that is to avoid being hurt. So you will pick someone who is emotionally unavailable already taken, not looking for love, still hung up on someone else. Do you secretly have no idea how to be your real self? The girl next door, the siren, the secretly intelligent woman. The real truth was that she was lonely, and felt that nobody knew her. Strong opinions can be like a way of pushing others back.

If you offer enough of them, or become known for them, others are scared off, or tiptoe around you. You thus avoid any real intimacy. There are ways to learn how to connect , if you are willing to put in the time and effort into what can be quite a learning curve.

The first step is to get out of denial about your fear of intimacy and admit that there is an issue. This might mean a few good books on the subject, or reading our other articles, including:.

But a fear of intimacy runs deep, right back to traumatic or difficult childhood experiences, so we often need help to overcome it. Therapy, at heart, is a relationship. For many, the therapist-client relationship is also their first time trusting another , a nd can be a place to try out ways of relating you can then take out into the world. The wonderful thing about learning not to fear intimacy is that not only your intimate relationships improve.

So, too, will your friendships , your ability to work with colleagues , and your capacity to actually create the life you want for yourself. Need speak to someone about your fear of intimacy? Our new booking site Harleytherapy. Has this article inspired you? We are committed to making emotional health as important and normal as physical health so help us get the word out.

Or leave a question or comment in the public box below, we love hearing from you. Andrea Blundell is a well-established mental health writer and lead writer of this blog. Her favourite subjects to write about are relationships, trauma, and ADHD. Find her on Linkedin and Twitter. Social group memberships protect against future depression, alleviate depression symptoms and prevent depression relapse. Soc Sci Med. Epub Sep PMID: Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLoS Med.

Thank you for you honesty, Declan. But the good news is that admitting to feeling unhappy and knowing that this is at the root of it is a huge step forward. And that talking to someone, reaching out for support such as seeing a counsellor, can truly help with this issue. Things can change. Trust me I go to therapy.. I can only try to keep going and learning about my condition. This article was very helpful I have been going through intimacy issue since my teenage years.

I know what caused it but im no longer interested in the past I want to look into the future and find a cure for this illness. As currently I am avoiding any sort of physical relationships and this is making me lose on a good potential partner. If anyone can direct me to any help available out there or a therapy that has proven successful I will truely appreciate it. Hi, So much of the article matched how I am. I suffer from a lack of intimacy and fear of letting people in. Especially my wife and it is affecting our relationship.

I can not seem to work past my fear. This article has helped to identity myself and how I need it to change. Just knowing that there is a problem is a huge step. Try to not judge yourself but to commend yourself for even recognising the issue and wanting to try new things in this area.

So looking to the future sometimes does get easier if we integrate and accept our past instead of just trying to detach from it. All talk therapies help with intimacy issues, and which one will work best for you is dependent on on who you are as a person.

And the therapist that is right for you will also be unique for you and might take trying a few first. But therapies that focus just on relationships include schema therapy and dynamic interpersonal therapy. Wow this hit the nail on the head for me. Some people were just born in the wrong century, and this modern day society is plagued by the masses of debauchery, immorality, and idiocracy. With our technology and vast array of opportunities to make for ourselves do we really NEED a significant other?

No, its an option. And this sort of connection is increasingly being proven to be very necessary to health. Lack of social connection is being connected, for example, to earlier death rates. Well many people with intimacy issues hide them remarkably well! Sadly we live in a society still full of stigma towards speaking about what we struggle with.

And so it goes….. Glad the article touched a nerve. And it sounds you had many other challenges too. The next step is to try new ways of acting and being. What wonderfully honest input. Stumbled on your site while researching at the age of 57! Thankyou so much. It means so much to us to hear that this has been helpful, we invest a lot in outreach out of a real desire to make emotional and psychological health something we one day talk about as easily as physical health.

If you feel ready, do consider finding support to delve a bit deeper. Intimacy issues can feel immovable and lifelong but they actually are something that can be worked on and real results are not unusual but common. I never had the so called best friend through my school years. Close friends, yes, even boyfriends. But never that super glue to the hip best friends. I never had this long term friendship, where ones know everything about the others.

When i was in my college dorm, i got closed to my room mate. So close that i poured part of myself to her. I think she was the first person ever see me cry. But then, i got freaked out. And I started to build a wall between me and her. Even moved out of the dorm. I thought it was because i enjoyed my time alone.

That i prefer to spend my time by myself, doing my own things. But it happened again, quite recently. I got close to someone. When i broke up with my boyfriend, she saw me cried my heart out. She was so flustered, because she only knew my aloof hard self. She said as much, even making me promise not to cry again. And then, i freaked out. After reading this, i realize that maybe i got this intimacy phobia.

And maybe i do need help. Thanks so much. I realise that I have actually chosen this. I noticed that she was pushing people away about a year ago. She would just cut-off all communication with that person. But I fear that she will be unhappy as she gets older. We need space to heal sometimes.

Often the way we are as a teenager is not the way we end up as adults, when we have more space to be ourselves. The best thing is just to support her just as she is right now, with as little pressure or expectation of her to be a certain way as possible which causes teenagers especially to withdraw. Extend your understanding, and try to trust that on a certain level, even through the teenage haze, she has her own inner wisdom and will find her way forward.

In response to Aimz above…. Because in a very deep part of us we are trying to vindicate the parent. We are trying, by making this person love us, to make our parent love us, and by doing so to prove they are not as horrible as we think. If we can make a partner loving and human then we humanise the parent to our deeply wounded hidden inner child. The best thing you can do is run from that sort of firework and accept that you need to learn how to date slowly, and date men who you think are ok but might not have huge chemistry with at first.

Accept it might take a few dates. But if you stick it out you will start to be attracted to nice men. Then there has to be a lot of mourning. As for an intimate relationship not being anything, sure, but then again for those with a narcissistic parent a true loving relationship is hugely healing. Our problems start with relationships, and there is logic to the idea that they can really only be solved and healed by relationships.

Hope this helps. You are on the right path! To Vee above, glad to be of help. Yes, there is definitely a fear of intimacy going on for you. Things really can be different for you, and a therapist or counsellor can really speed up the process of moving towards more healthy ways of relating.

Read this and although I am in my 40s issues in my past have triggered reactions and behaviours which can be related to most of what is said.

If I let them have there way it is wrong but if its all my way that is wrong too. Thanks so much for this insightful piece and book recommendations. I feel so overwhelmed to admit to myself, let alone anyone else, that this is what I am struggling with. I have always struggled to fit in and it was mostly because everyone my age was chasing boys and was obsessed with being in a relationship and that was truly the farthest thing in my mind, if anything I remember trying to will the conversation away when all the girls would gossip about who they were into.

I even bought books about mental illness because I felt so differnt that I thought that it had to be some kind of disease that I had. I always knew that I had trust issues I just never knew why I for the most part had a happy childhood and that fact alone made me more crazy because in my mind I was so weak for having these feelings with really nothing to back them up with no traumatic story from my past.

There seem to be several things at play here. A low self-esteem issue, for example, can lead to never feeling good enough and constantly self-judging oneself. If anything this sort of boy crazy can be less about dating and intimacy than a sort of social code amongst girls and a way to gain power. You might simply be very much an introvert.

Other possibilities are a different physical drive — we are not all built the same. None of these things mean you are necessarily bad at intimacy — they might just have precluded you from having a chance to try. But with someone you know, you might very well be very good at intimacy.

Or, you might have a mix of some of the above and intimacy fears. These are all things a counsellor can help you unpack, and it is a good idea, given all you are saying, to seek support. These things can be hard to manage all alone. As for no childhood trauma, the very nature of trauma is to embed itself in our unconscious. Something as simple as an aloof, workaholic parent with little time for a child can, for example, be extremely traumatic for a child, even if they are well provided for otherwise.

Again, all things its best to unpack withe the help of a professional. Try not to see it as wasted time. And sometimes all the things we suffer through become the windows to deep understanding of self one day we can help others with. Take things one step at a time.

It would be a good idea to seek support. Feeling totally alone in the world is hard for anyone to take and we all need someone to talk to.

If you are struggling with money, there are low cost options available. If you are feeling low, consider calling the Good Samaritan hotline if you are in the UK, at After reading his article I realise that all my romantic relationships have been missing either a physical or an emotional side. I withhold one or the other as an avoidance to getting hurt. When they talk to me i switch off or answer one word Answers. I broke up with my last partner over 3 months ago and neither of them have since asked me how I am.

I pushed him away and was jealous and clingy. I was afraid to let him in but best of all, I picked a partner who lived in a different country!

So I could then blame him for not giving me the close relationship I say I want but seem to be avoiding. This is really wonderful self awareness, thank you for sharing it. We do hope you find some support on this. It can be overwhelming at first to dig into, but very rewarding as sorting it out can lead to the support and real intimacy you deserve.

Yes this article IS me too… But for me there is an additional problem. I sometimes hate my parents and blame them for it and at other times I just realize that I have them atleast.

I eat all my meals alone, at home or in college. You know why? Not even my parents.. So where my primary caretakers fail..

Who else can pass? And even when someone does show that understanding…i appreciate it but when they get too close, I just have to make sure I lose them forever. Believe it or not, this is actually very common in those who fear intimacy — sabotaging any real bonds by pushing people away.

What is amazing is that you are showing a remarkable self awareness for someone only in college. Is there anyone you can talk to? Is there a counsellor or therapist at the school that is free or low charge? Only because if you are brave enough to seek support over this and deal with it while young, you can avoid years of difficult relationships which intimacy issues cause. You are obviously an aware person, you deserve to feel good and to attract those who do love you just as you are, and it undoubtedly will happen if you can unpack this anger and fear and get to the root of it all.

It sounds a difficult situation, and that the issue that caused the split 2 years ago has not been resolved. What is it that does work in this relationship? What is that keeps you in the relationship? Is this often what you talk about, who is right and who is wrong? It sounds like there is a real need to own up to what this relationship is about and whether it has a future.

If you are both open to it, couples counselling could be a very good idea. I found myself checking all these boxes. I have never considered myself being aftaid of intimacy. My excuse has been that i feel too deeply and have just been too busy and focused. The more I think about it the more I think I am asexual. It is more of an inconvenience really. I have given up. Now the thing is, what you write raises a lot of questions. That you have to want a sexual relationship with women or there is something wrong?

And what is your idea of emotional intimacy? Real intimacy could be said to have nothing at all to do with sex. All these things are said just to question the ideas you have which actually read like defences and like someone who actually does have some very sophisticated blocks to true intimacy.

Which means these issues are serious and deserve to be taken seriously. Would it be possible to talk all this through with a counsellor?

Oh my god this is soo me! I always thought how could I be soo happy always ….. I grew up as an only child with emotionally neglectful parents. They were attentive to my physical needs food, clothing, shelter and my education, but they never really showed much affection for me physically or emotionally. During my teen years, they never asked how I was doing, they never showed an interest in my life, my friends, my hobbies, and interests.

The only thing they ever asked about was my grades. Most of the time they were busy with work and left me to my own devices. On the surface and to outsiders, I seemed to be doing fine, but in reality I developed depression and started self-harming. On the inside I felt alone and disconnected from people and I could never get the close friendships that other people my age seemed to get so effortlessly.

When I was a child I also experienced bullying and teasing about my appearance, which I think made me wary of trusting people. I have trust issues and hold everyone at arms length, even friends — only letting them get close to a point, before I stop them getting closer.

My love life is non-existent, in fact it has never existed. I started seeing a psychologist a few months back, but so far my problems are still there. These things take time to unravel — certainly more than a few months! So do keep up the work with the psychologist. Another thing you might find interesting is to look into Attachment theory.