Why does my girlfriends past bother me

Be willing to talk to your spouse and for her to talk to you. This means being open to the things you know might come up in conversations about her past, such as old boyfriends. Right off the bat, if you exhibit jealous tendencies it is going to be harder for her to open up to you. However, stories and anecdotes about her past are going to eventually include other people.

A good way to try and get a handle on your feelings of jealousy is to practice some introspection. The first step is to find a quiet place and get comfortable. Next, take some slow deep breaths. Try to clear your mind and body of tension and stress while you breath deeply. Now ask yourself the reasons behind your feelings. Are you worried that she is comparing you to other men? Be honest with yourself. Does your partners worth diminish based on the number of partners she has had?

This is a common feeling among men, but one that should be dealt with and moved past in a healthy way. It is so important that we erase this from our vernacular and way of thinking so that the next generation of women can be raised as empowered and comfortable in their sexuality.

Also, for the next generation of men to grow up non-judgmental and able to interact in relationships without feelings of jealousy getting in the way. The more you both can focus on that together the better your relationship will become. Self-confidence is a harder thing to address as low self-confidence can stem from any number of places; even going back to childhood issues and insecurities.

However, it is important for your mental health to recognize yourself for your strengths and not compare yourself to others.

This fear is easily assuaged by discussing the relationship with your partner head on. Try and focus instead on the present. It will also help you to refocus when your thoughts drift to the past. Begin by naming things in the present moment that you can see, feel, hear, touch, taste, or smell. I won't listen to my jealous thoughts. Notice 5 positive things about your relationship that usually go unnoticed or unappreciated. Reframe the way you are viewing your present. Lately, you have been focusing on her past, but you are her present.

Recognize that you, or the two of you together, have something she never had in her past relationship. She is choosing you over her ex by being with you. Choose her as well. Ask her what she values about your relationship.

Notice if she is talking about a future with you. If so, then you know she is invested in your future together! Try thought replacement exercises.

Each time a thought about a past relationship or an ex comes up, try and replace it with a positive thought. There are things you love about her and your relationship. Whether you like it or not, her past comes along with that. Consider the fact that everything that has happened in her past has contributed to the person she is today.

Focus on making new memories together. Put your energy into making new memories with your girlfriend. As you work on moving on from both of your pasts, build your future together with new activities, photographs, and memories. Go on a vacation together. Plan a day trip somewhere you have both been meaning to go. Pretend to be tourists in your own town. Learn something new together.

Method 2. Figure out when and why thoughts of her exes occur. Ask yourself why you are thinking about your girlfriend's past relationships. Identify whether you are thinking about them due to her behavior or your own. Is your girlfriend constantly bringing up her exes in conversation? Or perhaps you are creating this problem for yourself, by comparing yourself to the ex in your mind?

To help you figure it out, try writing a list of what comes up. Next to each item on the list, write what was happening right before, what you did as a result, and what you could do differently. Identify themes in your thoughts or conversations. In the past when you have talked about her old relationships or been overwhelmed with thoughts about them, see if you can pick out any patters or themes. When her past relationships come up, what are the usual topics? Perhaps there is something in your intimate relationship that you or she would like to work on or change.

Does it have to do more with how she felt or feels about her exes? Maybe you are feeling insecure about your relationship, or she is feeling disconnected from you and is craving closeness.

It is about how her family felt about a past relationship? Possibly you do not feel comfortable around her family, or she is experiencing some anxiety about introducing you to them. Figure out what you are feeling. The emotions you experience may help guide you to what the real issue is. Here are some examples of how identifying what you are feeling can lead you to a deeper issue.

You might be feeling inadequate of down about yourself. Consider your self-esteem and whether it could use a boost! Are you worried that your girlfriend will "go back" to her ex? You might be feeling anxious.

Despite this, for the most part my ex would be very calm and loving, trying to reassure me, making it clear that I occupied a special place in her heart. And that would help, for a little while - until the same recurring thoughts and questions would return, often with a renewed intensity.

It became a vicious cycle of unwanted thoughts and curiosity, followed by reassurance from my girlfriend, followed by a bit of relief. And then right back to square one. Our relationship lasted for a few years but eventually it came to an end. My jealousy was a central factor. After we broke up I felt guilty and embarrassed for a long time.

I'd replay certain scenes from our relationship back in my head, and just cringe. Stupid fights, unnecessary arguments, that sort of thing. I harboured tremendous guilt for acting like such a jerk. That person didn't feel like "me". I knew it was me, but it almost felt like I'd been hijacked by some annoying little demon.

That might sound melodramatic, but I really felt as though I had lost control. Confiding in friends and family, even therapists and counsellors, wasn't fruitful. No-one seemed to really understand. The common advice was generally to "just get over it". I started Googling phrases like "obsessed with girlfriend's past" and eventually came across the phrase "retroactive jealousy" on internet forums.

People are Googling left and right but they don't know the name for this condition. It wasn't and isn't a common term. People suffering from retroactive jealousy get caught in a loop of obsessive thoughts, painful emotions, inconsiderate and irrational actions, and subsequent self-loathing.

From what I've read, it appears that many psychologists believe it falls within the spectrum of obsessive compulsive disorders. In these internet forums I found some sympathetic voices, but the vast majority of rhetoric felt toxic - there are a lot of men online who really don't like women. There were several who would justify their jealous behaviour and use the forums to demean women.

And that was confusing. This was the first place that people had some understanding of what I was going through, but there was a tremendous amount of misogyny and negativity. Other people in these forums would go to the opposite extreme.

For them anyone who struggled with any aspect of a lover's previous relationships was a bad person acting irrationally.

I disagree with that. I was unable to find a ready-made community and I wanted to put that right. Ammanda Major, a counsellor at relationship advice service Relate. We do see cases in the counselling room where a person is fixated with their partners' previous sexual relationships.

Jealousy is something most people recognise, however this kind of jealousy is quite different. A person sometimes has flashbacks to events they didn't see, that they were never part of. This often leads to an obsessive cycle of thought and an unquenchable desire to get to a "truth" of what "really happened" between a partner and their previous lovers. They can end up tormenting themselves and their partner and in some cases the relationship can turn abusive.

Whether you're the person obsessing about the past or the person on the receiving end, I would recommend you get professional help and support. Firstly I needed some spiritual balance so I went to meditation retreats and started learning more about Buddhism. That was a significant step towards diminishing my ego. Then I began to do my own extensive research.

After that I started blogging and then I wrote a book - originally published under a pen name, because I was still ashamed. There was an overwhelming reaction to it, so I created an online course. Today, there is an online community people can turn to for help on how to cope and tips on how to overcome the condition.

I have been surprised by the sheer number of people visiting my website - more than , people over the past year, from nearly every country in the world. And about half of them have been women.

I used to think retroactive jealousy was a condition rooted in men and the heterosexual male ego, but that just isn't the case. I get contacted by heterosexual women, lesbians, gay men - and people of all ages, from people in their mid-teens to their late 70s. I also receive a lot of emails from people in Saudi Arabia and India, countries where people aren't generally as open about sexuality.

When I started making YouTube videos the response became even larger. The partners of retroactive jealousy sufferers have sent me heartbreaking emails, asking what they can do to help their partner through this problem.

But I always emphasise that this is ultimately their partner's problem to solve, not theirs. I know this well from my own experience. My girlfriend could not cure my retroactive jealousy, no matter how hard she tried.